The Best Way to Travel

So you’ve decided to book a trip, good for you! Everyone needs a break from the daily grind.  You’re ready for an adventure and we’re ready to give you some great tips.  These are some ideas on the best way to travel.  Here are a few real life stories from people who love traveling:

“I took the wife and kids to Florida.  The entire vacation cost me $7000.  The exciting part is, because I paid SO much for the trip, I now get to take another vacation in 2020!” -Bob, 32 Utah

“I got a smoking deal on a timeshare a few years back.  My family is really excited to go and visit our timeshare in San Diego.  Maybe once I pay off this timeshare in 3 more years I’ll actually be able to use it!” -Steve, 45 Connecticut

“My husband worked his entire life, and promised that in retirement we would travel.  When I woke up one morning a week before he was set to retire, he somehow had died in his sleep.  Now I’m remarried and spending his money traveling with someone else!” -JoAnn 75, Montana

Tip 1: Never use a credit card to accumulate point and miles.  Some people might try to tell you that you can earn points for travel using certain credit cards and yada yada yada…. DO YOU WANT MY BRAIN TO EXPLODE?! Plus credit cards are evil, if you use one you’ll automatically end up with debt up to your eyeballs and you’ll be enslaved for life.

Check from My Scammer

Check from My Scammer (Photo credit: Telstar Logistics)

I can see it now, you’re children’s children will be burdened down by the debt you accumulated and this all could have been simply avoided by never obtaining a credit card.  Ah, the perils of plastic.  If you do happen to have a credit card to obtain some credit or something, DON’T EVER USE IT!!

Checks or debit cards are a much safer bet.  Who doesn’t love carrying around a checkbook? In the grocery store line you can actually make everyone behind you wait 5 extra minutes if you fill the check out slowly. Plus it is really cool when you run out of checks and don’t have a way of paying for your melting ice cream.

Plus, points and miles are confusing.  I’d much rather rack up the benefits from my Payless Shoe Store Club Card.  It’s awesome.  I simply buy 30 pairs of shoes, and they mail me a 10% off coupon.  Eat your heart out frequent flyer miles!

Tip 2: Purchase a time share.  Come on, they’ll serve you free cookies or something delicious.  Sure it might take a few hours out of your day, but who doesn’t have a few hours that you’re not sure what to do with anyway?  Sure you might get insane amounts of pressure to buy into one – some people try to avoid such situations, but I say embrace it!

timeshare

Thanks to saleshq.monster.com for this picture.

I love when people come to my door soliciting vacuums, books, and magazines, pressure is awesome!  If you go to a time share meeting and feel as though you absolutely have to buy into one or the people won’t let you leave……. just do it. Heck, what is life all about anyway!

Some people might try to tell you timeshares are horrendously overpriced, but haven’t you ever heard the phrase that you get what you pay for?  I prefer to overpay on everything to ensure I’m getting the best quality experience out there! So what if you end up paying for it up-front, a yearly maintenance fee, and other additional fees – that to me says you’re definitely going to get a great experience! And hey, if things don’t work out quite the way you planned, just sell your time share, easy-peasy lemon-squeezy. No biggie. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of people eager to buy it from you and you’ll definitely get all your money back that you’ve put into it.  WINNING!

Tip 3: Vacation to the same location year after year. When choosing a location to vacation choose places you’re already familiar with.  I prefer taking trips to the same places over and over.  Trying to go somewhere you haven’t already been is WAY too difficult.  And anything too difficult isn’t worth doing.  If you’re wise you’ll just go to Disneyland each year, it has all the culture and variety you’ll ever need.  Plus the ticket prices are expensive, which means it’s guaranteed to be the best experience you’ll ever have in your life!

Tip 4: Take a Taxi everywhere.  Now that you’ve made it on a vacation, enjoy it! Life is too short to waste precious vacation time on renting a car.  Driving around in a foreign place is incredibly stressful and stress is bad for you, so save your self a few gray hairs and let someone else do the driving.  Plus it feels like being in the movies when you hail a cab, so that’s cool! You now have a chauffeur and you’re ready to get where you need to go. Life is good.

Tip 5: Wait until you’re older to travel.  Traveling is expensive and only rich people can afford it, when you’re older you’ll definitely have more money.   The best things in life come to those who wait.  So wait, climbing Machu Picchu with a walker shouldn’t be an issue, right?

old people

Doesn’t this look exciting?

Who wants to live their lives with boring travel experiences anyway?  I’d much rather save all of my fun experiences for the last two years of my life.  That way I can live them out for an awesome two wrinkled years instead of living a whole lifetime with them.  Plus, wouldn’t it be awesome if I waited until retirement to travel and got sick and died before I was actually able to do any traveling?

Tip 6: You’ll have tons of money later, so wait. If you can’t afford full priced plane tickets and expensive hotels, Disneyland tickets and taxi cabs, don’t sweat it. Years down the road you’ll be able to afford all of that, easily.  Everyone in retirement is super rich.  Nobody lives on their Social Security alone.

With these travel tips you’re sure to become a successful traveler.  As long as you’re rich, patient, and perfectly healthy you’ve got nothing to worry about.

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